You Don't Even Know How I Tried My Best at Getting a Divorce

I really love how odd my pals are. In their own unique way, each one of them can really help turn anything into a good time. Let's take Friday night, for example. Friday night, there was a birthday party for Bocephus at the local piano bar. I didn't have much in common with his friends since I don't know anything about motorcycles, but Mis would be there and my newest crush, Super-Duper Uber Hottie, said she'd go with me so I knew that I'd have a good time. Unfortunately, hanging out with me is detrimental to your health and my objet d'affection came down with a case of the funk. I got to the bar feeling somewhat disappointed and totally unshecky; I didn't know if I would be able to bounce back. Mis had her hands full with Bocephus, so she couldn't help. (Yes, I am aware the world doesn't revolve around me, but it fucking should) Then, as if sensing my despair, my phone started blaring Outkast. It was Ms. Jackson and she turned the night around. Her and I really love the Dane Cook special and like to yell the catchphrases from it. If you haven't seen it, they are:
"You don't even know!"
"I tried my best."
"I'm getting a divorce!"

MJ challenged me to only use those three phrases whenever I met someone new at the bar. I raised the bar and threw in the classic Clerks line, "My love for you is making fuck, Berzerker!" There it was, my challenge for the night and let me tell you it was tough. I tried it out a few times and switched up how I said them, but it never worked right. Then, it all fell into place. I went outside to smoke and there were a few people out there and I nailed it.

GIRL 1: How you doing?
ME [Whispers]: I tried my best.
GIRL 1: What?
ME [Agitated]: I'm getting a DIVORCE!
GIRL 2: Oh, that sucks man, I'm sorry...
ME [Yelling]: You don't even KNOW!
GIRL 1: Yeah, you're right, I haven't been married.
ME [Confused]: My love for you is making fuck, Berzerker?
GIRL 1&2 [Nervous laughter]: Nice talking to you.

To ease their minds, I told them of the challenge and they thought it was really weird, but a little funny. After that, I was back to good Turk form and fucked with people all night. Some fun things of note did happen: I was wearing my "Greatest American Hero" shirt and the piano dudes started playing the show's theme song (Believe it or not, I'm walking on air...). Needless to say, I went a little nuts. They also played Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently," and Mis and I being the only people in the bar that knew the song, yelled every word. She said when they started playing it, I screamed like a girl. Whatever, I'm all man, all the time. Some fat girls told me this gem: "We think you're hot, but you should dress more Sex in the City and less Malcolm in the Middle." I wanted to tell them: "I think you're fat and you should shouldn't go out in public." And of course, we ended up at the Gay Bar. Which was awesome because to see Bocephus in a gay bar was fucking priceless. I think I may write a one act play about it.