Things My Retarded Uncle Taught Me

*Licking a rabbit may bring you good fortune.
*Urine can save your life in 17 various ways.
*Never punch a Nun on a Tuesday.
*Throwing rocks at your child is a helpful way to build self-esteem.
*Sexual intercourse in the rain is the leading cause of HIV.
*Monkeys can tell the difference between consensual sex and rape.
*The color blue was invented by the Nazi's in 1939.
*The Internet is an excellent way to view obscure porn.
*Chiropractors have the cure for cancer, but are waiting for a little goddamned respect.
*Midgets are actually really old children.
*People who eat too much are generally obese.
*Dogs are jealous of things made of glass.
*Eating your vomit is not a good money saving tip.
*Brown suits invite sexual advances from Gypsies.
*Studies have shown that colorblind people are statistically more racist.
*Do not - under any circumstances - smash your testicles with a hammer.
*You should not trust blond, brunette, redheaded, or bald women.
*Your anus makes an excellent place to hide valuables.
*Owning a cellular phone automatically makes you a great human being.
*For every text message you send, a baby's soul is banished to Hell.
*Cats do not make very good spouses.
*The dinner table is not an acceptable place for masturbation.
*Business cards may bring about the end of civilization.
*An empty paste bottle is a good receptacle for unwanted semen. It is also a functional epoxy.
*Pepsi used to contain heroin, but changed the recipe in 1989. Now it contains the crushed dreams of orphans.
*In certain circles, ovarian cysts are a delicacy.
*Vikings wore funny ass hats.
*You know that guy Lot from the Bible? Yeah, he had a fucked up life.
*All prescription drugs have the same ingredients.
*Pop-up ads are the only thing standing between us and a total nuclear holocaust.
*The Indians knew that the taint was the tastiest part of a buffalo, but never told anyone.
*Country music has caused more deaths than the Civil War and Brennagin's Scuffle combined.
*Don't believe a man if he says he has a unicorn in his pants.
*It sucks being retarded. Please let me out of this trunk.