Pain Don't Hurt

Most people are raised by their parents, siblings, church, or the streets. I was raised by HBO. I learned my life lessons from watching movies and there are three movies that I continue to base my life upon their teachings. They are Revenge of the Nerds, Roadhouse, and Billy Madison. These three movies basically encompass my entire behaviour and have molded me into the person you know today. Most people think I am kidding when I say this, but I am dead fucking serious.

When I was seven years old, I stayed the summer at my Dad's bachelor condo. He was busy working or chasing ass during the day, so I had a neighbor whore drop by and check on me every once and a while. Instead of enjoying the fun things of summer, ie: the lake or pool, I would be perched in front of the tube learning about how stupid cats are or how there was a planet of homosexuals called Eternia. At noon, there wasn't anything on, so everyday for three months, I watched a Revenge of the Nerds tape. Revenge taught my young self many important lessons. For example, it got me to begin thinking about college, that it was okay to be a smart kid that looked younger than everyone else, that you can pour beer in Cheerios, and the term bush. The most important lesson I learned that is one of my personal tenets to this day is that no matter what a dude looks like or acts like, no matter who he hangs out with or how he dresses - if that dude is the most superb pussy eater he can be, he can get any chick, anytime, from any other dude. Especially if you're cunnilinguing that chick in the Moonwalk or other inflatable building. Go Tri-Lambs!!!

When I was twelve and dealing with the upcoming pressures of adolescence, I was given the divine guidance of Roadhouse. On the surface, this movie looks like a shitty Swayze bar fighting flick. Oh no, you must peel Roadhouse like a cinematic onion. It is fucking deep. It taught me that cooler heads prevail, that good shit talking is always better than kicking ass, and to always "be nice." More than that it showed me that a man cannot put up with the Brad Wesleys of the world. You must stand up for your beliefs, or a monster truck will drive through your business. It also taught me that if you rip a dude's throat out in a fit of rage in front of your smart doctor girlfriend, she'll forgive you and fuck you in the same water you used his body as a raft in. The thing I took most from it is another personal mantra, "I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead." Beautiful, Me-ho.

When I was a lad of eighteen and getting ready to face the big, bad world on my own, I found a small indie movie called Billy Madison. This is my favorite movie ever and taught me that being drunk all day is cool and to watch out for penguins trying to fuck my girl. It changed my life by showing me that it was alright to be retarded - and that people can make a good living acting that way. I probably quote this movie somewhere between 7-9 times per day. Any situation that comes up in your life can be related back to a scene in Billy Madison. Shampoo is bettah!!!

For more information about these three wonderful movies, please go to your local library or write your congressman today.

Postscript: Favorite Roadhouse truisms:

Nobody ever wins a fight.

Don't ever marry an ugly woman, she'll suck the life right out of ya.

I used to fuck guys like you in prison.

That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.

STEVE: Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?

DALTON: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.

The Double Douche!