It was finals time during my second semester of my freshman year. I had not been but to about four Biology classes and the final was on Monday morning. I decided to cram a semester's worth of Bio on the Sunday night before. Since my first semester GPA was a 1.7, I was on thin ice with the UofA & my parents. I actually enjoyed English and Bowling, so I had A's in those classes. It just hinged on this damn Biology class, which incidentally was my fucking major. Since I am a master-procrastinator, I waited until all my chums went to bed so I could have the greatest amount of focus. I began putting off studying alone at about midnight, only giving me nine hours until the test. I did everything but study and at 3AM, I decided that my dorm room was not conducive to proper learning and I needed to change environments. So I grabbed my book and set out for IHOP.
When I got to IHOP, I couldn't help but notice the 23 drag queens taking up the whole back wall. It was Sunday, and I think that was the Drag Show night as we had seen them in the HOP before on Sunday's. There was a couple of other students there and a redneck husband and wife. I sat in the booth across the aisle from them and cracked the books. I ordered my obligatory fries and coke and actually got some reading done. Being a frail young man, I was a bit concerned about all the drag queens - not knowing if they wanted to kidnap me or something. I should have been concerned with Cletus and Brandeen sitting next to me. After 10 years, I can still remember the dialogue:
Cletus: Whatcha studyin' fer?
Me: Huh? oh, Biology final tomorrow.
Brandeen: Oh lord, ferget that shiiiit.
Me: Tell me about it, I hate this shit. (My Major)
Cletus: Hey, howsabout lettin us pay yer way tonite?
Brandeen: Yeah shugah, pass your check ovah here.
Me: Ok, that's mighty nice of you. I really appreciate it.
Cletus: No problem boy. You sure do have purty teeth.
Brandeen: Sure do, very purty mouth.
Me: Ok, gotta go. (drops check on their table and splits like a motherfucker)
After a good freak out, I actually got some studying done and went up the hill to take my final. I got to the class and no one was there. I freaked out much worse and checked my schedule. I had read the schedule wrong and my final was the last Friday, not that Monday. I did convince the Prof to let me make it up, but she gave me a sick and twisted essay that Louis Pasteur couldn't pass. She later admitted that was the point and she was teaching me a lesson in responsibility. I learned nothing, bitch.
That was a shitty 12 hours, but it is a fun memory in retrospect. The sad thing is that my IHOP is now a burrito place. There is a new IHOP, but I can't bring myself to go. Maybe in time I will be able to. It sucks getting old, things always changing. At least I can say that I have not grown spiritually, emotionally, or in maturity since those days.
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