We need to have a little heart to heart here people. I think that some of you that have known me for a while have taken my awesomeness for granted. I don't see how you could, as you could never adjust to staring into the sun, but somehow you are not giving me all of the accolades I so richly deserve. Besides being ridiculously good looking, highly successful, very humble, and probably the most charming person ever, I am also the most intelligent being you will ever meet. I say this without hyperbole, as these are facts. Proven and tested facts. Actually, they are more like laws that cannot be disproved; such as the laws of physics. In addition to the Laws of ThermoSeantastics, there are other ways in which I am great.
Sure, I am the funniest dude you've ever been around - my striking wit is legendary around the world. Also, I am the greatest lover in the history of sex; my super sex move won the Congressional Medal of Honor & the Nobel Prize for crissakes. Those of you who actually know me should feel truly blessed that you have experienced my glory. I envy you in the respect that you get to hang out with me. I would love to hang out with me. I'm that spectacular. Those of you who don't know me should take solace in the fact that I allow you to read my innermost thoughts on strippers, midgets, and ass soap. I mean Turkey Boy is one of the most classic of literary characters. In fact, Harvard has started using a Turkey Boy Archetype in their Advanced Literature courses. I don't even need to eat because I sustain myself on my own greatness. If I could only bottle it, I could make a fortune (like I could really use MORE money than what I have). In summary, I don't want to have to tell you this again - in reality, I shouldn't have to.
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