An Open Book

If you are writing a book about me, you should know these things:

*The greatest day of my life was when I beat Grand Puma on the old Nintendo game "Pro Wrestling" (As King Slender).

*I am addicted to chap-stick. Strawberry flavor is preferred. I always have some in my pocket & at strategic points in the house.

*I also freak out if my hands get dry. I develop a paper phobia and cannot touch any paper unless I get some lotion.

*I also have a Food Phobia. I have a genuine fear of foods I haven't tried & refuse to eat anything new. For example, I have never eaten corn or soup - ever.

*I have ordered the same combo meal at Wendy's for the past 23 years. Every fucking time.

*I am most attracted to brunette women, however, I have only been in relationships with blondes and a redhead.

*I cannot sleep on my back and there cannot be any source of light or noise in the room. My natural circadian rhythm is to sleep from 10am to 6pm.

*I will always be late for morning appointments, but always early for evening ones.

*As much as I have tried, I have never gotten into watching sports on TV, or real life for that matter (unless I know someone playing).

*I put off putting things off.

*I will most likely never "live up to my potential."

*If I do not constantly have a coke at hand, I will die.

*I have only thrown up 4 times in my life and 2 were medically induced. Never from drinking.

*The greatest restaurant in the world is Taco Pronto in Hot Springs, AR.

*I hate go-carts.

*My fingernails grow at light speed and must be trimmed at least every two days.

*I have a ten pound cock. (It is solid brass and I got it at a yard sale)

*I have been known to watch Days of Our Lives off and on since I was five. I miss Patch.

*I cannot call people by their names if I care about them.

*I am only afraid of heights if I am looking up.

*Listening to a certain Bonnie Raitt song gives me an actual headache every time I hear it.

*Country music makes me irritable and can change my mood no matter how happy I am at the time.

*I forgot how to ride a bike.

*I know jack shit about cars or other machinery.

*I have only liked one haircut in my entire life.

*I had my mullet permed when I was 8. (not the aforementioned good haircut)

*I took two tests in college. One said I had a Genius IQ, the other said I was Functionally Retarded.

*I am seriously fucking bored most of the time, like right now.

Other names for this list could be titled:

*Reasons Why I Am Not Cool

*Why I'll Never Have a Normal Girlfriend

*Traits of a Potential Psychopath