Poopballs

I must have been sheltered as a child because the most common sense things that all of you know, I do not. For instance, a few years ago I tried to heat up a pizza by throwing it - box and all - into the oven. Needless to say, I just about burned the apartment down. Last night, I had a similar experience and ruined my plumbing. Last night, I learned what most 5 year olds know: All cat litter is not flushable.

Right before I was heading off to bed, I decided to dump some of the cat shit out of the box. I had just changed the litter the other day, but this cat shits like 400 times a day. It is ridiculous the amount of shit this small animal produces. So I started scooping poopballs into the toilet and when I went to flush, we had a total overflow situation. Somehow I knew how to turn the water off and that stopped the deluge of shitty water from flooding the house. The problem now is how to unclog the toilet. I don't own a plunger, never had a need for one. (I take very dainty poops) My procrastinating self told me to fucking close the lid & deal with it tomorrow - but the thought of the shitty water festering all night and day was just too much, so I headed off in search of a plunger at 11:35pm.

There is a grocery store a few blocks from Casa de Turk and I was in luck because they were open. However, they did not sell plungers, so I had to face my fears and go to the dreaded Wal-Mart. The horror!!! I pulled into the Wal-Mart and as I was walking to the door, I was taken aback by the poor souls who shop at Wal-Mart; ie: Your run of the mill, bottom of the barrel weirdoes. I took a deep breath and entered the most evil store ever. I saw a dead old woman propped up in a Rascal shopping scooter and then she said, "Welcome to Wal-Mart", and I about shat myself. Methuselah's wife was a greeter on the graveyard shift. She looked like she'll be seeing nothing but a graveyard very soon. After I walked through the three zip codes this Wal-Mart (not so) Super Center encompassed, I finally found the plunger aisle. Yes, an aisle for plungers. I grabbed one and made my way the four miles back to the front. Just as I arrived at the cashier, the midnight bell sounded. Shift Change!!! So I got to hang out for about 10 minutes while a new cashier did all the bullshit one must do to be cashier at the Mart.

I got home with the mighty plunger and braved myself for the horror that lay underneath the closed lid. The sight was an assault to my eyes and let's not even try to remember the smell. I gritted my teeth and went in to plunge. Instead of the FWOOSH sound the plunger usually makes, I heard a disappointing THWIP. The plunger did not plunge - it just stuck in the convex position. Fucking Wal-Mart bullshit. Luckily, my ordeal had taken over an hour and by the time I returned home, the clog had dissolved and when I tried flushing, it went right down. I should've procrastinated and everything would've worked out. I have another bathroom, so what the fuck. I've learned two valuable lessons.

About 1am, I was finally finished with the clean up and went to sit on the couch to contemplate how I tend to fuck everything up. The cat came up and I told him he was a lot of fucking trouble. To which he responded by taking a huge dump.