Call the Date Doctors

One of the perks of living in Wal-Mart country is that vendors will suck the skin off of Wal-Mart's dick in order to have their shit sold in WM stores. My company is like a Date Doctor for these vendors. We show them how to stroke Wal-Mart just the way she likes it, and in turn, give Wal-Mart wonderful orgasms and make her come back for more. That makes other vendors want to give us a little play just to get in good with us. The point of me telling you this? I get a lot of free beer. When one of these sales reps is in town, he takes us out for dinner and all the booze we can pour down our greedy, soulless throats. It is fucking awesome.

Last night one of these reps was in town and we met him at a bar after work. It was the rep, myself, a sales dude, and my boss getting hammered. There was a multitude of hot girls at the bar, and of course, all eyes were on me - the only single dude at the table. Here's a rundown of the contenders: There was Redneck Woman, a trashy hot chick wearing a baseball cap and army fatigue pants. She was hot, but was not raised to know what that meant. A diamond in the rough, if you will. Well, her trailer park friends were all dudes and they were mullet fighting for her attention. She was too covered in cock for me, so I just smiled and that was that with Redneck Woman. The next one was High Maintenance Hottie. She was in a designer wife beater and had that air of superiority about her. She was probably the second hottest girl in the bar, but I cannot take that type of snobbery. Especially after seeing Redneck Woman hooping it up with her white trash posse. I did not smile and that was that with H.M.H. The next two were together and they were the Sex & the City Wannabe's. They were in pseudo-matching cocktail type dresses, very almost classy. They were quite fucking hot, I'll give you that, but they left after only one Appletini. Too bad. The final contender was Jewel. Jewel walked in and sat next to High Maintenance Hottie. Jewel was by far the hottest girl in the bar, if not of the week. She did not have the "better than you" aura H.M.H. was putting off, so she was the one. Then as my Business Contacts and I were discussing the importance of weed in the Eureka Springs area, we heard someone singing. Yep, it was Jewel singing with a dude that had to be James Taylor playing guitar. Jewel was the entertainment. Well, that cancelled her out. I can't talk to a musician; I am too envious and would try to ruin her career. So, I drank a lot of free beer until about nine and Turkeyed my way home all by my lonesome.

What you just read is what actually happened, with one small detail left out. I would never, ever, blever approach any of these women. My boss, who happens to be a pretty boy, was telling me, "Ten years ago, I'd be all over that." Yeah, and you're a good looking dude with self esteem. We are two different breeds here, guy. I couldn't get through to them the reason for my hesitation, so boss man started Date Doctoring me. Me, the good ol' TB, getting some How to Pick-up Chicks advice. Here was some comedy in the making. Needless to say, I did not try any of his cool techniques. I'm 1 for 2 this decade in girls, that's only 50%. Basically, I have an F in dating. I am not the dude that gets girls with suaveness and skill, I kinda just fall into the pussy when I get some. It's pure luck and circumstance and I am pretty much cool with that. Just hard to make good looking people understand that philosophy. Especially since they made the mistake of getting married and are trying to live through the single guy.