Wuxtry! Wuxtry!

Local Church Takes Action Against Rampaging 900 Foot Jesus

Rogers, AR - Local non-blind residents may have noticed the three gigantic crosses right off the Pinnacle Hills exit. The crosses are the result of over a decade of planning and heartache. In 1980, Orel Roberts awoke the 900 foot Jesus and ever since, the behemoth Lord has been terrorizing the Midwest. Sadie Mae Jenkins, a long time Rogerian, remembers the first time she saw the ninety story messiah. "My mother called all of us children out in our Sunday Bests and we were excited to see a very large Jesus. We never woulda thunk that he was so destructive." On that harrowing day, the MegaJesus devoured Sadie Mae's mother and eleven of her fourteen siblings.

Starting with that day in 1984, the rampaging Jesus has made several visits to the area; every single time leaving a wake of devastation. In 1996, Rogers city leaders decided to take matters into their own hands. "First we tried building a 900 foot Satan, but many residents thought it too sacrilegious," former Assemblyman Morris Brown recalled. "Then, my son suggested a 900 foot Santa Claus after viewing a South Park episode. However, the folks at Comedy Central threatened to tie us up in court for years and we had to scrap that idea. After that debacle, we sat around thinking, what's the only thing that can kill a gigantic Jesus. Of course, the answer was a gigantic cross!"

Soon after that fateful meeting, ground broke on the Giant Cross Initiative. Years into the planning, the council decided to also add two more giant crosses in the rare event that Jesus, Godzilla, and Mothra all attack at the same time. "You never know with those three on the loose," Brown said. The unveiling of the Giant Crosses was host to some of the most prominent Northwest Arkansans. Even Sadie Mae Jenkins strapped on her two prosthetic legs to witness man's triumph over giant religious icons. After the ceremony, Sadie Mae stood in awe and whispered, "I dare you to mess with us now, you crazy 900 foot Jesus."