Goodbye

Since I was almost killed by a cigarette today, I thought I'd share my latest quit smoking scheme. I got on this new drug, Chantix, and it is supposed to block your nicotine receptors. I've been on it a few days and it seems to be helping the crave. Yesterday I only had 4 smokes from 8am - 8pm, but then had 16 smokes from 8pm - 1am, so who fucking knows... My "Quit Date" is this Saturday, so the fine folks at Pfizer send me a daily affirmation and activity to make sure I quit smoking and continue to buy their drug. Today's activity was, "Write a Goodbye Letter to Cigarettes," and that was way too stupid to pass up.

My Dearest Cigarettes,

I believe it is time we had a little talk. I don't know an easy way to say this, so I'll just get to it. I'm leaving you cigarettes, I'm moving on with my life with another destructive substance. Please don't get me wrong, I've loved you so very much for the past eleven years. Boy, did we have some good times. I remember when we met. I was in fifth grade and you tried to seduce me. I was too young and innocent for you then, but then you caught me seven years later in a moment of drunken weakness. I remember that one of Ginny Giles' boobs was talking to me and then it gave me a taste of you. I stood up to proclaim how great you were, and then your siren song hit me. The wonderful dizziness and the nausea were oh, so great. We hung out sporadically that summer; only when I wanted Sara Beth to think I was cool like her, but I knew that you and I didn't have a future - yet you just wouldn't give up, you crazy romantic fool.

During my freshman year of college, you saw how I struggled to make new friends. You convinced me to hang outside with the smokers and I met some great and wonderful bad influences. Then, you had me. I was all yours, all the time. Years went by and you got me through all the rough spots in my life. Your soothing burns when I wanted to stop my teen angst filled thoughts, were a lifesaver. When I cleaned my life up, I wanted to part ways, but you had a hold on me and eventually that hold turned to fear. That was the beginning of the end for us, my love.

I did leave you for eight wonderful months, but you manipulated me back to you with your vile cousin, Black & Milds. You can be such a bastard sometimes. I do thank you for all the things you have given me. The social pariah status, torturing myself in extreme hot and cold weather, smelling like ass constantly, the dulled teeth, black lungs, zero stamina, and super cool cough. I'm also tired of supporting you. I've spent around $13,000 on you, and what do I have to show for it except for a few butts in the trashcan?

Yes, it is over. I am seeing a prescription drug now. It is much healthier than you, as it only damages my liver and digestive system. It also costs ten dollars less per month and since I am great about not getting addicted to things, I should be off them in a matter of months. I know that I'll see you around and I hope things aren't awkward between us. I really did love you and I guess a part of me always will. Remember the good times, my dear.

With Love,

Sean

PS: If you still want to get together and fuck every now and then, I'm cool with that.