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Chronic Masturbator Finds Nympho Girlfriend: Lotion and Porno Stocks Plummet

By: Buster Hyman

NEW YORK (AP) - Arkansas native and chronic masturbator, Sean White, single-handedly was responsible for the lowest closing DOW in years after finding a nymphomaniac girlfriend. "This is the worst day the stock market has seen in as long as I can remember," CNBC's host of Mad Money, Jim Cramer said. White, a sexual deviant, has an unusually large libido, which until now could never be sated by any of his previous girlfriends. White explained, "I have to have several sexual releases per day, or I won't be able to get anything done. Even when I was in past relationships and having frequent intercourse, I still had to masturbate many times throughout the day." Cramer explained that when White was in a relationship, his frequent self-love kept the Lotion and Porno stocks stable. In fact, Cramer added, stocks actually went up soon after White was married. "Who could have ever predicted that this douche would find someone to have frequent sexual relations with? I mean, the odds were staggering! Boo-yah!"

Johnson & Johnson CEO, Ralph Larsen announced the impending layoffs of 50,000 jobs taking place within the next few weeks. "Unless this Nympho dumps his sorry ass, a lot of people will be out of jobs," Larsen told a group of nervous stockholders. "At least we can pilfer their 401k's until that day comes," he added. Even more devastated by the news was the Pornographic industry, the United States' most profitable source of income. The Porno industry boasted 74 Quadrillion dollars in profits last quarter, most of it due to White's chronic masturbation.

Hundreds of pornstars leapt to their deaths off of the Van Nuys expressway after hearing the news. Popular porno actress Jenna Jameson had this to say, "I owe much of my fiduciary success to Sean, and now I don't even know how I'll be able to cover this month's rent."

"I feel bad that a lot of people are losing their homes because of this," White told Chris Matthews on Thursday's Hardball. "But why would I masturbate when theres a perfectly willing girl to have sex with? I've got to look out for my best interests here." The Nympho, who wishes to remain anonymous due to millions of death threats and the possibility of her friends finding out that she is sleeping with White, also takes responsibility. "I wish that it did not have to be this way, but it is hard to find someone who is such a pervert in this day and age," the Nympho explained. When asked if she enjoyed the sex with White, she replied, "Eh, its okay, I guess. I've definitely had better, much better."