It's that time of year when the TV networks bring out their most excellent new shows. For myself, if it isn't a cartoon (or have nudity and plenty of cursing), I generally don't watch it. However, it's been a few years since I watched a new show and I caught this Heroes program the other day and love it because I am a total geek and my favorite comic book authors write it (run ons are cool). It got me thinking that maybe there are more things on the tube besides cartoons and filth. I warmed up the DVR, erased some Skinamaxes to free up space, and delved into what kinds of programming the networks are offering.
If you're a fan of the crime drama, then you are in luck. There are 36 different CSI's on this year, with reruns of the previous seasons on somewhere throughout cable 24 hours a day. You've also got your pick between 87 different Law & Order's. The CSI's are all the same, except they change the cities (and Who song) and give the actors different names and hair colors. Other than that, pick your favorite city and just watch that one. The rest are redundant. My favorite is CSI: Laguna Beach. The Law & Order's change up police divisions instead of cities. Again, same character types in each one and you are guaranteed at least one rape or child molestation per episode. To recap, fans of geography, you'll enjoy a CSI; fans of sexual assault, a Law & Order is right up your alley - an alley where someone is getting raped right now. There are 457 other crime dramas to choose from as well; however, they are all the same as a CSI or Law & Order, except they have a gimmick. For example, there's a crime drama with ghosts, with OCD, with puppets, with boobs, with con-men, with strong women, a couple with talking dildos, one with funny accents, with math nerds, a few that focus on kidnapping, a few about the criminals point of view, one with a cursing bald dude, and one with a wrinkly James Woods. They are all blatant rip-offs of the best crime drama ever, Quincy, M.E.
If you enjoy sketch comedy, like Saturday Night Live, you are creaming your pants to the season's offerings. Besides SNL and Mad TV, there are 13 shows about what it is like making one of those shows. Kinda like how there were two talking pig, volcano, and killer meteor/comet movies that came out at the same time. What are the odds of multiple takes on a shitty idea coming out at the same time? Apparently, very good. There is also a shit load of sitcoms out, but I can't really tell one from the other. They've been the same for as long as I can remember. Mom, Dad, Asshole Kids, stupid neighbor/friend, talking alien, etc. Or there's the idiot group of people trying to find love, success, ass, blah, blah, blah. Watching something with a laugh track damages the soul anyway, so stay away from this shit. Try The Venture Brothers or The Boondocks for a good family 30 minute comedy. The Venture Brothers is riddled with innuendo and violence and The Boondocks allows white people to laugh at racist remarks without getting beat up.
If you were a super dork in school (like the type the band geeks beat up) and looked forward to the May talent show all year, then hello Dorky! You are set. There are shows to see if people can sing - with various genre shows thrown in, whether or not people can dance - there's actually a few of them and one has shitty celebrities! There are shows to see if fatties can not be fat anymore - and one has fat shitty celebrities! And if that wasn't enough, you can totally feel like you live with other shitty celebrities. I just want a reality show called Jessica Alba's Bathroom. That'd do it for me.
These reality shows are the reason for the decline of America. I'm serious, back in 1989, the USSR got together and formed a master plan to win the cold war. They pretended to crumble and secretly became TV producers. Up until 1994, they tried to make us into idiots with shows like Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones. When that didn't work, they created The Real World. It made my generation drop out of college and embrace Communism, but they still had to get the Baby Boomers. So in 1999, Lenin's brain and Gorbechev's birthmark dreamed up Survivor and ever since, all American generations have been experiencing gradual lobotomies. They invented TiVo to keep us from watching commercials so the economy will collapse and capitalism will be ruined. Then they created the Food Network to keep us fat and cable news channels to keep us closed minded. Yeah, that's crazy - crazy like a FOX.
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