Extry! Extry!

Local Man Uses Wrong Chap-Stick; 11 Dead

By: Amanda Hugginkiss

ROGERS, AR (AP) - Eleven people are dead and countless injured as a result of local resident Sean White realizing he had been using Cherry flavoured Chap-Stick instead of his trademark Strawberry. Authorities speculate that White was duped due to the similar shades of red on the two distinct lip balm flavors. White's friend, Ms. Jackson, witnessed the entire melee. "It's all my fault," Jackson cried to police. "The smell of Strawberry flavoured products makes me quite nauseous, and when Sean was applying his Chap-Stick for the 1,368th time this morning, I mentioned that it didn't make me want to barf. Then he examined the label and found that he'd been using Cherry Chap-Stick - and all hell broke loose. I would like to send my sympathies to all the families affected by this rampage of sheer madness." Witnesses claim that upon the realization, White immediately started wailing and then grabbed a pencil and stabbed his closeted homosexual co-worker in the neck several times. The closeted homosexual is in critical condition, but still hasn't admitted his true orientation. After the vicious pencil attack, White punted another co-worker, an Imbalanced Vegan into the large fishtank adorning his office's lobby. Then, Ms. Jackson tried to calm White down and he hissed and growled at her before jumping out of the second story window, with the glass shards killing a box of cute puppies.

After a quick cigarette break, White then ran into the middle of the road, causing a six-car pile up. Four people were killed and seven critically injured as a result. White carjacked a Fiat and was heard screaming, "You're not Sally! You're a Whooo-ah!" over and over as he drove off. Reports are sketchy from this point, but the trail of destruction speaks for itself. After running through a watermelon stand, a plate glass window being moved across the street, and a side of the road chicken coop, the Fiat's final resting place was at the base of three giant crosses that block out the sun. Witnesses describe that White had scaled the middle cross, which is four miles high, and was standing on the top shouting obscenities and throwing pennies at passersby, killing at least seven. Also killed by the lunatic were the first panda born in captivity, a leprechaun, and a talking unicorn. The gigantic flying dog from The Neverending Story was also critically injured. Atreyu could not be reached for comment.

White was finally talked down by authorities after they fulfilled his demands of a lifetime supply of Strawberry Chap-Stick, a Chick-Fil-A open on Sundays, and naked pictures of your mom. White's lawyer, and fellow bleeding heart asshole, Gloria Allred doesn't think her client will see any jailtime. "It is obvious Mr. White came down with a case of temporary insanity," she lied. White did give a brief statement before heading to the bathroom, "I am innocent. A one-armed man framed me. I think he said his name was Turk. Oh yeah, your mom is totally hot."