Nerdburger Invents Useless Crap
By: Johnny Technotronic
Mother's Basement (NY) - Local nerdburger, Jim Cohee, has spent a ridiculous amount of time and money on his new invention. The forty-three year old dorkus explains, "It seemed like every time I called a lady's cellular phone, she never picked up. On the rare chance I did get to talk to them, the woman would always tell me that she did not hear her phone ring. I presumed that it was due to the fact that ladies keep their phones in their purses and it muffles the sound of the ringer." The pathetic excuse droned on, "So I spent my life savings and took out a few bank loans to invent a small ring shaped device that the lady can wear on her finger. Using Bluetooth technology, the ring will light up and emit a small, non-sexually arousing vibration when the cellular phone rings. Therefore, the woman will always know when her phone is ringing and avoid an embarrassingly long 'Missed Calls' list and miss out on what could be an amazing date."
Mr. Cohee showed his invention to Cingular spokesman Seth Moore. Moore erupted with laughter in the midst of Cohee's demonstration. "Holy hell, that's the dumbest invention I've ever seen! And it cost you how much to make?! I mean, even if it wasn't total crap, who would pay that much? What a f**cking loser! I bet you’ve never even been laid, eh dork? Hey Mike, get in here and listen to this douchebag!" Even in the face of such blatant ridicule, the polyester clad social moron is not discouraged. “Who cares what that jerk says,” the loser said with high hopes. “He’s just jealous that he didn’t think of this little gem first.”
Always skeptical, this reporter hit the streets to talk to you, the consumer. I ran into Andrea Walden on busy 5th Avenue. I showed the attractive Ms. Walden the joke’s stupid invention. When asked if she would ever consider using such a retarded device, she rolled her eyes and said, “No friggin’ way. What a totally useless idea. What kind of tool thought up this piece of sh**?” I brought my findings back to said tool and Cohee was still adamant on getting this waste of plastic mass produced. “You’ll see, sir. I will be renowned as a great inventor – and I’ll finally get a hold of these ladies for dates.” Then, Cohee’s teenage brother shouted from the family’s kitchen, “Hey f**cktard, the reason the chicks don’t pick up when you call is because you’re a f**cking nerdburger!” As the brother laughed, Jim Cohee stood there awkwardly biting his nails, most likely contemplating suicide for the umpteenth time.
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