Vision Quest

Last night, while I was cleaning the bathtub with bleach and a SOS pad, I started to see the toxic fumes materialize. If I looked through the fumes, I could make out some kind of scene taking place. Then, all of the sudden, I was falling into the mist towards the alternate realm. I landed in the middle of some restaurant with a thud and my head was throbbing. However, no one seemed to notice me fall out of thin air.

I looked around and the place seemed very familiar. To my right, there was a child's birthday party going on and I was drawn to the gathering. I saw my father and stepmother, along with friends from junior high school. Then, I saw myself. It finally dawned on my fuzzy brain that I was witnessing my 13th birthday party at a pizza place called Mr. Gatti's. I was in shock and wondered if I had finally poisoned myself with my ridiculous attempts at cleaning. If so, why was I reliving this particular memory. I couldn't remember why, but always had a feeling that my 13th birthday sucked.

Seeing my friends and family 16 years younger was a trip. I looked like an idiot, of course. I was sporting a Vuarnet t-shirt and some bright orange and blue Umbro shorts. Which at the time, I thought that was my coolest outfit ever - especially with my Reebok Pump sneakers. What a douche, but it was 1990 for crissakes. Anyway, my younger self was nervously talking to a cute girl that I remember meeting at my Stepmom's basketball camp. I think her name was Kim or something like that. Just hearing my own pre-pubescent voice was enough to make me want to kill myself, but then I remembered that I was dead and probably in Hell for writing that Hitler and Juice thing.

Even though she was a foot taller than me, it seemed like this chick was into me. Why didn't I remember this? Then I heard her whisper to me, "After the party, let's go to my house and we can kiss and stuff." What?! This can't be right. I never made out with this girl, because I hadn't made out with any girls yet and would remember the first time. Something was amiss with this memory. Then, the front door violently flew open and over the wall, I could see a shitload of balloons and hear a crazy commotion.

My heart started pounding and my face probably shared the same look of horror as my younger counterpart. The reason my 13th birthday sucked was starting to become clearer. Around the corner, he appeared. The goddamn man in the monkey suit. He was holding the balloons in one hand and a can of Silly String in the other. He shrieked, "Where's the birthday boy?!" and my evil father laughed and pointed my way. The son of a bitch monkey jumped up on the long table and started running towards my teen self. I suddenly thought that maybe this was like Quantum Leap and I was there "to set right what once went wrong."

I jumped up on the table and lunged at the monkey; but instead of taking him down, I passed right through him. There wasn't anything I could do. My younger self was on his own. I laid there on the table wondering why I could lay on a table, but not affect anything else in this world. Somebody said, "plot hole," and I decided to focus on the matter at hand.

The monkey had made it and stood above my younger self, who was frozen with fear and embarrassment. The monkey shook the can of Silly String and then dumped the contents into young Turk's eyes. He screamed and stumbled backwards out of his chair and the monkey pounced on him. Everyone was laughing and no one was doing a damn thing to stop this monkey rape.

I screamed, "Oh noes, young Turk. Fight him off! Somebody fucking help this kid!" Alas, nobody heard my pleas and nobody cared about young Turk's cries for help. Finally, he was able to evasively roll away from the monkey and scrambled up onto the table to make a daring escape. I cheered for my younger, very agile self. Then, I froze. The monkey was back on his feet before young Turk could jump off the other side. "Look out, he's right behind you," I futilely yelled. But it was too late, the monkey was on him and then the repressed memory played out to me in Technicolor. The monkey grabbed young Turk's flimsy bright orange and blue Umbro shorts and pants him. And, only God knows why, I wasn't wearing any underwear that day.

Young Turk and I screamed in harmony while he stood there on the table, naked from the waist down. His eight year old's penis and nuts the size of an acorn on display for all the world to see. The worst was cute little Kim whispering and giggling with her friends at my diminutive manhood. Oh the horror, the goddamned horror! The embarrassing memory was flooding my brain and I started to feel woozy again. As I was fading out, I saw the monkey take off his mask and caught a quick glimpse of my tormentor. She shall pay for her misdeeds one day.

I woke from my haze in my bathtub, amid a pool of blood and bleach. I must've passed out from the fumes and cracked my head pretty good. However, for some reason, I was naked from the waist down.