Read This

Yeah, that's right – read this goddamn blog. It's the best blog in the history of everything and you should be honored to read it. Print it out and wallpaper your home and/or office with this wonderfully crafted piece of art. Put this blog on T-Shirts and tattoo it on your children. Ladies, fashion this blog into a pleasure device to use when I am too busy to have sex with you. Men, lament at the fact that you are inferior to my manliness. Take this blog and load it into a bong. Get high from this blog. Do it. Do it right now, I say! Take this blog and replace your church's bibles with it. Worship this blog. Drink this blog mixed with apple cider on a crisp winter morn. Take this blog to the top of Mt. Everest and the bottom of the Mariana Trench. To the ends of the Earth, this blog should go! Empty your bank accounts and burn your money. Use this blog as currency. Buy and sell your partner's parents with this blog. Use this blog as a prophylactic. Neil Armstrong, take this blog to the moon. Write movies, essays, and odes to this blog. Ask this blog to marry you. Have children with this blog. Enjoy 4,000 sunsets with this blog. Tell this blog how you get lost in its eyes. Use this blog to get out of traffic tickets. Have this blog represent you in a murder trial. This blog should guest star in a CSI. This blog is your next American Idol that Dances with the Stars and is the One that You Want. This blog will never take the "deal." Vote this blog for president. Send this blog eighteen dozen tulips. Rename a state after this blog. Use this blog as your operating system. Leave your spouse and children to only be spurned by this blog. Send tithes to this blog. Do not anger the blog. Use this blog as a floatation device. Tell this blog its shoes match its eyes. Kneel before this blog. Cower in fear over the sheer ferocity of this blog. Use this blog to pick your teeth. Take this blog to your Senior Prom. Nominate this blog for a Nobel Prize. Write your congressman about this blog. Go to Pueblo, Colorado for this blog. Write this blog a 45 minute song. Destroy a Fiat in the name of this blog. Use this blog to cure any ailment. Water the blog when I am out of town. Go on a romantic stroll with the blog. Thank you.